What are dreams made of?

Lately I have been wondering about dreams. When I was in school, I use to dream about being a filmmaker, until the harsh reality hit me, and I let that dream die. Oh, I finished school with a degree in film mind you, but I did it just because I didn’t want to veer off course. I didn’t want to be one of those people who just gave up, who stopped doing what they had set out to because it got hard. Of course, what I did not realize at the time was that it did not get hard, well it wasn’t easy, but mostly it just stopped being fun. I guess I should have known better, and switched to my focus on something that interested me more, but well, I didn’t want to stay in Austin any longer than I had to. .. Okay, so I guess what it amounts to is: I should have transferred to a school back home where I could be happy, and switched my focus to something that was fun to me.

In the end, I gave it up anyway. I just did enough to graduate and then became a landman, and promptly forgot about my film school past. But, was this a bad thing? Certainly, you do not want to force yourself to do something you do not like, especially if that something is a job for peanuts. Then, I hated my job as a landman, so I decided to be an Au Pair in Italy, wanting to experience the life of a normal Italian family. Well, that did not work out quite the way I had planned it. So, now I am living in Italy, somewhat disenchanted with the lifestyle, and working for peanuts. I wonder if I want to come back to Europe, do I like it enough to come back (of course, keep in mind I have only ever seen Italy, and I think of all the European countries, Italy is the most behind the times), do I want to study languages, if I don’t study languages, what on earth will I do? Sure I can always be a secretary somewhere, but that is not what I think I should be doing. After all, I have a college degree, shouldn’t I be doing something more with my life? In the end, I think I will come back to Europe, but I wonder if it would not be better to take a break first. Do I come back and go to school for a while, pay as I go so I don’t gain anymore debt, and learn to speak French, German and Russian??? Or, do I try to find a job back in Europe? Although I would not say my experience as a nanny has been the worst experience of my life, I would not want to do it again. I guess if I got desperate enough, I would come back as a nanny again, but only for a six month period.

To be quite honest, I think I am a teacher. I just think that is where my life seems to be leading me right now. Of course, in eight months, when I am home, and possibly substitute teaching on the side to earn a little money, I might be thinking, dang I hate bratty little kids! But, right now, I just feel like that is going to be the next step. I am just not an office chick (although, let’s face it, who is?) No one grows up thinking, ‘Oh YES!!!! I get to sit and type at a keyboard all day while I make OTHER PEOPLE RICH!!! HOT DAMN!!!’ I mean, no one thinks that. Everyone feels they have some purpose to their life, and in reality, most people (maybe me too?) just have a small purpose with no real significance in the scheme of things.

Mostly, a great cloud of fear is clouding my mind these days. I certainly do not want to come home and turn into some kind of ‘beatnik’, living off my parent’s good graces. I know I do not want to go back to school because I feel like I have no other options. If I go back to school I want to have a plan, and to be really excited about it, otherwise, school is 24 hour stress for me. I want to make sure that coming back to Europe is something I really want. The problem is one, there are not a lot of jobs out there for people with limited qualifications, like myself, and two, I do not know what I want to do. I feel like I should know by now. I mean, dang, my sister was MARRIED at my age! Dear Lord, I could really use a bit of light right about now!!

And of course, the little tid bits. The weather is so much warmer today, I cannot even tell you how good it feels. It is the first day I have just worn a simple black long sleeved t-shirt and felt completely comfortable. The weather actually forecasted rain for the rest of the week, but hey, the sun is shining out of my window, so I guess someone goofed. Spring has finally arrived.

My trip to England is less than nine days away, and I cannot tell you how excited I am about it. I am excited to see some place other than Italy in Europe, I am excited to drink real English tea, and I am excited to be on vacation!!! I promise to take my camera everywhere I go, and to upload some amazing photos when I get back.

And, last but not least, I am officially an Aunt. Yes, Aunt. Not Auntie, not Aunty, and certainly not AntC (or Antsy, as my sister liked to joke). Plain old Aunt Casey will do just fine. He looks like both Monty and Ashley to me, but who knows how he will turn out. I am anxious to see him once he has finally taken shape. He’s the cutest little pink lump, and since he is a Sabbath child, I expect a lot of good to come his way.